This world is ambiguous, and it relies on our understanding of culture, time and context to decipher the true meaning of things. A task that I find especially difficult as someone with Asperger’s Syndrome. I am told that my brain “works differently”, that it processes information in a manner unlike most people. And this does not bother me, but when you live in a world that makes certain assumptions about our ability to interpret information, deviating from the norm comes with unique challenges. I do not believe that this is any one person’s fault, but rather it points to an inability of our language to represent things in a manner that all of us can absorb.
I cannot tell you the number of times I have spent hours agonising over whether the full stop in a message a coworker sent me is indicative of a harsh tone or is simply there for grammatical purposes. Every sarcastic comment feels like mockery, so I sit and wonder why I am being mocked. Was it intentional? Is it because I didn’t say “good morning”? I have gotten better over the years at interpreting what people mean, and I try my best to read between the lines, but there is almost always a mismatch. I am sure this is the same for most neurotypical people, but the debilitating intrusive thoughts that follow make it especially difficult for me to firstly interpret what someone means and secondly know how to appropriately respond. Every comment feels like an attack, so I ready my typing fingers to jot down a spirited defence of… wait, never mind, everyone seems to be laughing. This is clearly a joke. Why didn’t it contain a laughing emoji so I could know it was said in jest? I still feel upset, so perhaps I shall ignore the next message while I calm myself down.
Having such a rigid relationship with literary and figurative tools is at the core of my struggle, but it is also precisely what helps me make sense of things. If things are not rigid and structured, I have no way of creating a mapping in my mind and I will most likely err in my interpretation. I make room for variance, but it needs to be consistent to decrease the error rate. I cannot tell you the number of times I have started working on a new feature, and when it came time to review or seek clarity, I was told that the instructions I was given were not meant to be taken literally. Whilst I recognise that two parties are at play and I cannot take most of the fault, I cannot help but wonder how much I contribute to such situations. The notion that an example could be so simple it was never intended to be taken literally is something I understand in principle, but in practice, I fall short of the mark.
I have written many emails containing the words “as per your instruction”, and my intention has never been to be rude or argumentative. But in my mind, a contract was created between you and I, and I feel as though you have broken it. It is frustrating because I am not disputing that what is now being presented as the original request is wrong. I simply did not have that information at the time it was relayed to me.
But it is not all doom and gloom. I have gotten better at understanding others, mostly because I have gotten better at understanding myself. Digging into my own psyche has shown me that I too am equally complicated and just as layered as the language framework with which I battle. If you were to ask me to describe my own emotions and attitude towards things, you would find that my answers change too often for you to deduce what my disposition is. My feelings are mercurial in nature, always shifting in response to my environment.
I do not think that we as a society will change how we communicate with each other anytime soon, at least not systemically. But as an individual I still have to operate in a world that assumes I can understand it to some degree. So I do appreciate the people I have come across who were patient with me in the moments I sought clarity on something that seemed obvious to everyone else, and those who showed me grace when my interpretation was nowhere near what was intended. I am still learning, still growing, and doing my best to make my framework anti-fragile, so that when I encounter something new, I use it as a learning moment rather than a reason to crash out. Spectrum vs Language is a battle I will continue to fight.